What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 00:17
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Are you afraid to get married and why?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My family never makes their pension either.
Would this be the day?
But, we were locked up after school.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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I waited trembling.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I couldn’t, believe it.
What do you think of Andrew Tate?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Ive learnt so much.
How can I stop overthinking and take action more quickly?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I have no regrets .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But it wasn’t much.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
All the time i was locked up.
He knew the spot.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I think the readers, may guess!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
This is soul school!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Comes on , in middle age.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As i do to all so called friends.?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So, i spoilt her more .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We all went to grammer schools
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She found it foreign!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im still living with it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Who then, do I blame.?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But ive been too sick for many years..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
So whats the point in blame.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She wouldn,t have been !
Especially a lifetime of it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One cannot live in the past .
She loved him until the end.
It was going to be , some day.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was very sick at this time too.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She was in good health!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I write beautiful poetry .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I don,t even have a pension.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was seconnd youngest,
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And i lived it daily.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I said to her
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Put me off passion for life!!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was 9 years of age.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We were not on the streets..
When she asked me how she looked .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
What did i know ?
He resisted the act ,that day.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My life is so biszare .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was scared of men, in general
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I will be 64.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
(And it was in our own minds.)
She married twice! .
I never cut or harmed myself..